Archive for the ‘Values’ Category

>     Recently I’ve had the opportunity to enter into negotiations with someone I have known for quite some time. It’s a fascinating educational experience and, it turns out, a significant life lesson. The teaching is around the importance of shared values in reaching a common goal. I think what I’m learning says a lot about not only my particular situation, but conflict in general.
    Given the abundance of conflict in the world I’d like to pass my understanding forward.
    It’s only natural that where there’s conflict, efforts to resolve it will necessarily involve differing or opposing views. This, of course, is the basis for all conflict. Where we get tripped up is in assuming that the opposing view is founded upon the same core values that we hold. Proceeding from this misguided belief, we further assume that sooner or later, with enough effort, we can guide the opposing view to see it more our way. In certain situations, this may even be possible.
    Where the difficulty comes in is where the opposing view can’t possibly see it your way as your way originates upon not only a different view but also a different value.
    Example.
    You are negotiating terms and come to a mutual understanding of what that term should look like. You move on, believing that issue resolved. When later, the opposing party speaks and acts in a way that is in direct contradiction to the agreed upon term, and you bring it to their attention, their reply is that “they changed their mind” and intend to proceed as they see fit in the moment…regardless of what was previously agreed upon. Now it’s no longer a difference of opinion…now it’s a matter of a different value. One of you values agreements and integrity. The other values self-interest and expediency.
    What to do when values differ and are irreconcilable?
    I’m not totally sure.
    I do know the first step to resolution is to be realistic about where the conflict really exists. It runs much deeper than the circumstances when values differ. Perhaps knowing this, and accepting this, is a major step toward resolution in and of itself.
    I think another important piece is releasing any illusion that the opposition is going to remotely see things your way. By taking that step, it may free you up to settle the superficial conflict and walk away from the underlying one.
    The key is to be clear about which conflict you’re negotiating.
    If you miss the fact that there is a fundamental and critical divergence of values you may waste a lot of time and energy trying to move the mountain…when all that is required in order to move on is the shuffling around of a little loose dirt.
    I hope this helps.
    I’m still unraveling it myself.

Remember to click here to download my FREE e-book, “Too Many Secrets.”

> This is personal. It’s also important. I’m in the middle of a divorce. Anyone who’s ever been here, and probably most people who haven’t, can likely imagine that it’s an incredibly difficult and painful experience. After all, don’t all the “experts” agree that other than losing a loved one through death, it’s the most difficult loss a person will ever go through? Well, it’s true. And it hurts, even though I initiated it.
    Maybe.
    I say maybe because I’m living through layers upon layers of this experience and coming to know that All is Paradox and the real question is “How does one want to experience Paradox?”
    Allow me to explain.
    Divorce is like grieving. It has many stages and, like grieving, we are free to stop at any stage along the way without completing the process and thereby choosing to not heal the wounded heart. The first stage is denial. The second stage blame. The third frustration. The fourth anger. The fifth sadness. The sixth fear. The seventh  forgiveness. The eighth is acceptance. The ninth Love.
    How can the last stage of divorce be Love?
    Because only Love is real.
    Within all the need for growth that draws people together…and after all the fear that drives them apart…is simply the Love that exists underneath because everything that has occurred or ever will between two people occurs within the truth that There Is Only One of Us.
    Here’s the Paradox.
    Even when we must part from another, through death or divorce or whatever the cause may be, that parting is simply the creation of more space between different parts of a unified whole. No matter how far apart the distance ever appears to be, it is impossible to move beyond the boundary which is Love…for it is Everywhere to Infinity.
    All that is and ever will be is Love.
    All the space that ever existed…all the time that was ever created by distance…are born of Love.
    And to Love they must return.
    We get it. My husband and I are ending our relationship with our lawyers and coming together in Love to resolve the Paradox ourselves. We love one another yet cannot seem to live together now. We need more space to fully grow into ourselves.         Therefore, we will co-create this ending, and new beginning, in Love.

REMEMBER to click here to download my FREE e-book, “Too Many Secrets.”

>     I once studied with a spiritual teacher who suggested to me that when I see something in a store that I want to buy I should go away, even if for no longer than it takes to walk around the block, then return and decide if I still want it. He said to do otherwise, to buy in the moment of desire, is to be bought by the object of your desire. “Without reflection, you will never own it,” he warned. “It will always own you.”
    I recalled his teaching in recent days as I continue to listen to all the dire economic news and predictions of the decreasing value of the U.S. dollar’s purchasing power. No doubt we are moving into times of economic restraint. I think it’s a good thing.
    Why?
    Because we Americans love to consume. We love it so much that, somewhere along the way to Now, we lost all perspective and jumbled our priorities. We became, as my spiritual teacher so presciently warned, enslaved to the very act of “having.”  It is my experience that we can either be enslaved to the outer life, with it’s web of desires, or in service to Our Higher Selves.
    When enslaved to the outer life of desire, “more” is never enough…as a dear friend used to be fond of saying. When either the sheer accumulation of material things, or the quest for fame, is both the motivating force as well as the goal, there is no amount of materialism or notoriety that can satisfy the hunger. For it is a hunger. It is a misunderstood need, and futile effort, to close a gap that can only be closed in service to others.
    It is the difference between lust and love. In lust, we cannot get enough. In love, we cannot give enough. Which is why all the great spiritual Masters have tried to teach this Universal Truth. Which leads me to another of my spiritual teacher’s sayings.
    “Fake it ’til you make it.”
    If you have been enslaved, as so many of us are, to wanting and getting and having… it will not be automatic, or necessarily easy, to shift to a mindset of giving. It may be even more difficult to believe that through giving of yourself you will become more satisfied and more enlivened that ever before in your life. So, this is where “faking it” comes into play. Proceeding on blind faith, give anyway. Give without reservation of your time, your money, your love.  Give until you don’t have to think about giving but have simply become giving. Then you will have moved past faking it and genuinely arrived at the purpose of All Life. 
    Give as the Sun gives without thought, question or expectation.
    Then, perhaps the next time you’re in a store and see something you want to buy, you’ll take that walk around the block…think of someone or something in need…and find that you’d rather spend yourself in service than find yourself enslaved.  

Remember to click here to download my FREE e-book, “Too Many Secrets.”

>     The economic news has almost everybody talking about recession. Last month alone 80,000 people lost their jobs. Oil prices keep climbing with no end in sight. And the U.S. dollar continues to lose it’s value. What’s a person to do?
    I was pondering this very question today when two stories came to mind.
    One is about Alan Greenspan. As a youth, he was a musician who sought to make his livelihood playing in a band. Trouble was, the band had another member who was so good at the saxophone that Greenspan instinctively knew he’d never make it. Preempting the inevitable, he dropped out, went back to college, got his degree, and went on to advise four United States Presidents over a 20 year period as Chairman of the Federal Reserve Board.
    The other story is about Lisa Scottaline. Lisa was a practicing criminal defense lawyer for a large law firm in Philadelphia, married, literally having just delivered her first child when her husband walked into the hospital room and told her he was leaving her for another woman. Lisa quit the firm to stay home with the baby, used up her savings, was $30,000 in credit card debt when she began writing fiction for lack of what to do at home. Today, Lisa is one of the best known and most successful authors of legal fiction in the U.S.
    So why did these stories come to mind contemplating what appears to be weak economic news?
    The answer is that whether it’s the economy, or not enough talent for a desired goal, or an uncaring husband…every life change is an opportunity and a gift if only you use it to be the best you can be. Sure, we all have set ideas about how things are going to work out. Sometimes, they do. Most often, they don’t. Most often, Life unfolds with unforeseen twists and turns that ask of us that we be flexible and creative but most importantly, trusting. The real issue, after all, is “Can you trust that within every occurrence, no matter how unfathomable on it’s surface, there exists within it the potential for the highest good for all concerned?”
    Yes. I said potential. 
    Nowhere is there a guarantee that the outcome will, in fact, be the highest good. That’s up to you and me. We get to decide how we’ll handle what comes our way. It’s called Free Will. Free will is nothing more than freedom of choice. Do you choose to wallow in the muck of what appears to be adversity or do you rise up and seize the moment to propel you and those around you to higher ground?
    Alan Greenspan could have spent his life playing second fiddle (no pun intended) to that other very talented young man in the band…who, as it turned out, was Stan Getz (for those of you old enough to remember a musical giant). Lisa Scottaline could have left her daughter with daycare and kept practicing law, remaining bitter towards men. And every one of the 80,000 people laid off last month has the same choice. They can wallow or rise up.
    I never write in a vacuum…or espouse anything I do not truly feel. I am in the middle of a divorce and, therefore, in need of increased income. But not for one moment do I ever think that it’s all bad luck and what, pray tell, will become of me.
    Deep down at the core of my Being is a knowing that I am in the middle of a miraculous opportunity that holds the potential for gaining wisdom and achievement beyond my imagination.
    I have neither the time nor the inclination to wallow.
    I’m too busy heading for higher ground.

REMEMBER to click here to download my FREE e-book, “Too Many Secrets.”

>     I received an interesting comment to Gold Post It today. It was from a man who had “bookmarked” my blog and had apparently been reading it daily. He said that he had done so because of my “pithy” style of writing. However, he was quite put off by a recent blog in which I made the observation that my soon-to-be-ex-husband doesn’t have a friend.
    The reader shared with me his opinion that of course, “everyone has a friend” so I must therefore be bitter. He further concluded that my bitterness is coloring my perception and causing me to be “out of touch.”  He informed me that he is removing the bookmark and plans never to read my blog again.
    Wow. I must have touched a nerve.
    However, as with every other topic that I write about, I will try and find the highest good for all concerned in this occurrence as well.
    First, his reaction.
    I think that whenever we feel the need to make someone or something either all “good” or all “bad”…well, apart from the separation we cause by “judging”…there’s the whole issue of denying that there’s anything at all to be gained or learned…even in the face of some aspects that may not be to our liking.
    I prefer to take the Zen approach that the Buddha could be your grandmother cooking chicken soup at the stove…so be aware because you never know where help, or wisdom, may come from.
    Obviously this reader has, until recently, enjoyed the way I see things, or at least the way I express myself in relating how I see things. So maybe my substance, or perhaps my style, caused him to think in a new way or in a way that enlivened him.
    But not any more.
    Simply because he read an observation of mine with which he disagrees he needs to make me “wrong”, “bitter” and “out of touch.” There is no room in his reality for others with whom he disagrees. Certainly his choice to make.
    I suspect it can get mighty lonely in there.
    As for my observation about my husband. I stand by it’s accuracy. I have 16 years of first-hand experience to back it up. But here’s the thing. I wasn’t judging him.
    The observation was made in the context of a blog about the priceless benefit of surrounding ourselves with friends whose values and behavior support the highest good in us. The observation about my husband was simply in stark contrast to the crux of the story which was about the my daughter’s much improved behavior as a result of having spent time with some pretty wonderful kids.
    So, I would like to thank the man who e-mailed me his comments for giving me this opportunity to find higher meaning in a personal attack.  Unfortunately, he’ll never get to experience my gratitude as I’ve been banished from his reality.
    I guess this is what is meant by the adage “be careful not to throw the baby out with the bath water.”

REMEMBER to click here to download my FREE e-book, “Too Many Secrets.”
    
    
    

>     The best examples are always the ones from real life.
    This past weekend I had an opportunity to experience the importance of friendship and the influence of peer groups. It was an event that involved my daughter but the message provided transcends both age and gender.
    A many of you know from prior entries my daughter, Zoe, is 15 years old and goes to an affluent suburban high school in New Jersey. She’s a typical teenager who struggles with all the routine personal and social challenges of her age group. Fortunately, she is in the theater program at this very large school and so, for the most part, her friendships have been formed around this common interest. This helps for the children are creative by nature and share theater as a main focus of their school, and after-school, lives. It does not, however, guarantee anything about ethics, morals, or behavior.  As a general rule, those areas remain the ones of greatest challenge to parents.
    It’s around these issues of ethics, values and behavior that I witnessed something remarkable this past weekend.
    Zoe’s best friend is a neighbor, Emily, who is a year older than she. They met and became friends when we moved here 7 years ago. Both were in public school for these past years and Emily would have been a Sophomore at the same school as Zoe this year but for her decision to transfer to a religious day school. Emily’s decision was based upon her discomfort with the cliquishness and materialism of the girls at the public high school.  As a result of the transfer, Emily has become much more religious and attends services every Friday night and Saturday.
    This past Friday night, Emily’s family invited Zoe and I to join them for Sabbath dinner. It was a heartwarming evening and it was hard to miss Emily’s apparent ease with voluntarily assisting her Mother whenever she could. The next morning, Zoe went to services with Emily and some of the other girls in the neighborhood who also attend the religious day school. The girls stayed long after services were over to help the Rabbi’s wife serve lunch, clean-up and care the her 6(!) toddlers.
    Now here comes the lesson.
    Zoe, as I said, is a typical teenager. Everything I say is generally either flat-out ignored or just plain wrong because I “don’t get it.” Every chore she’s asked to do goes undone unless it’s under duress. However, after spending Friday night watching Emily help her Mom and Saturday with the girls assisting them in helping out the Rabbi’s wife in any way they could, Zoe was like a different child. On Saturday night she helped with dinner, cleaned up after the cats, helped clean up after dinner and voluntarily performed several other chores without being asked. She was also more affectionate than usual.
    This isn’t a fairy tale it’s real life so, no, Zoe’s changed behavior hasn’t lasted. But what’s important about it is that there’s no doubt that the influence of her peers was readily observable.  In this instance, it was an influence for the highest good. This is not always the case with children based upon their associations.
    It’s true that we don’t always have a say about who our kids hang out with… but it’s also true that we probably have more influence than we think. I can make a concerted effort to cultivate my association with the families of the girls Zoe hung out with and I can further make an effort to attend services more often.  I can, and did, praise her for her helpfulness.
    I have always tried to let Zoe know that I value my friends as priceless gifts from the Universe. I am also hopeful she sees that the values and behavior of the women I chose to befriend are consistent with my own.  In contrast, my soon-to-be-ex-husband has no friends, not a single one. As such, he has never had the benefit of the support system friendships can provide in helping us become the best we can be.
    This past weekend reminded me of the powerful influence that those around us have upon our own actions. While I’m not saying others absolutely define us, I am saying that we are all human and subject to the effects our environments and associations have upon us.
    The lesson is to know with certainty that it pays to be alert and aware of who we spend our time with and what we are both learning…and teaching…in the process.

REMEMBER to click here to download my FREE e-book, “Too Many Secrets.”
    

>Some people like to call them coincidences. I prefer the word synchronicity. Not only is it more poetic sounding but to me synchronicity implies an intention, or order, that coincidence lacks.  A coincidence is a lucky, random act. In my world there are no random acts. Everything has a purpose. Hence, synchronicity. 
    Now, to what occurrences am I referring? These would be an e-mail I received and a request by my 15-year-old daughter which, yesterday, both occurred within hours of each other.
    The e-mail was a notice that a blog Carnival to which I sometimes submit is having an upcoming “theme” carnival based upon “a revolution of one.”  The request by my daughter was that I write a blog completely about her. And so, this is it.
    This is a blog about how one person changed my life and how, someday, if she sets her mind to it, she will probably change the world.
    I was single until I was 43. We adopted our daughter from China when I was 45. Up until that time, I had been practicing Family Law and thought I knew what having children was all about. Last laugh was on me. There is, of course, no way of knowing what it’s like to raise a child until you actually do it.  But this is not a blog about child rearing.
    It’s a blog about Zoe.
    Zoe is creative and bright and willful and lazy and challenging and she can put me over the edge in a heartbeat. But here’s the thing. Her presence demands of me that I be vigilant around my integrity and diligent in my spiritual growth because they’re the things I ask of her. There’s no room for me to ambiguous or hypocritical because her eyes are the mirror that reflect back to me exactly how my Soul is faring on this path called Life.
    Perhaps many parents feel this way about their child and I’m just making more of it because this one is mine. But there’s another quality Zoe has that I believe sets her apart and it’s that very quality that is the reason she will make that difference in the world I mentioned.
    Zoe feels for the suffering of others.
    Ever since she was a small child, she has wanted to give away her money or things to street people or someone in need. She was no more than 8 or 9 when she drew an elaborate and welcoming residence where she said she would someday “provide free, temporary housing for families who had lost their home or were down on their luck and needed some time and a place to get it together again.” She has always been the first one at school to reach out to the hurt or ostracized child.
    Zoe has a winning combination, I believe. She has empathy and a Will that doesn’t quit. When she combines those two with her innate creativity there can be little that will deter her. I often think of the Barry Manilow song, “One Voice” and how it speaks to the contagious power of One.  I think Zoe has that “inner voice” and the world awaits it’s call.
    So, you’ve just read the result of synchronicity. It’s my entry to the theme blog Carnival of “a revolution of one” and it’s also my gift to Zoe.

REMEMBER to click hereto download my FREE e-book “Too Many Secrets.”
    

>      At one time or another, most people have something they would like to say to someone who is famous…if only they had the opportunity. I had such an experience this morning. If I could speak with Hilary Clinton I’d tell her that when you “misspeak” you say things like “proceed” when you mean to say “precede”… you don’t say you ducked enemy sniper fire when you didn’t. That’s not a misspeak. It’s a lie. So is saying “I didn’t have sexual relations with that woman” and “it depends on what is is.” These are also lies. They are not misspeaks.
    Perhaps in the case of Hilary and Bill it’s like the old joke that goes something like this: An elderly husband and wife are sitting in a restaurant. When the meal arrives, the husband turns to the wife and says, “Which one of us doesn’t like the broccoli?” When couples have been together for a long period of time they often take on the characteristics, and habits, of the other. Sort of like those people you occasionally see who eerily look like their dog.
    It’s not necessarily a bad thing to mirror, or echo, someone with whom you have a history. However, I think the goal should be to reflect the best of who they are and what they are capable of rather than the worst. That’s a basic tenet of Life 101.
    And yet, there is a deeper and more troubling aspect to the Clinton’s propensity to bend (and sometimes mutilate) the truth in order to suit their end. It’s the fact that so many of us do it every day… which is why we have allowed the Clinton’s (and others) to get passes on accountability. Deep down inside, not only do we know they are lying, we know that we are lying as well. To judge them would mean to turn the bright light of truth around upon ourselves. Not a pretty prospect.
    I am, admittedly, a little irrational on this issue. I have a passion for honesty, born out of a childhood where family members routinely played with the truth and I spent more than a few good years trying to do the same. Fortunately, as a result, I learned rather early on that whatever the outcome, lying is never worth paying the price of diminished self-esteem…the natural outgrowth of willfully failing to tell the truth.
    The truth is also easier. Maybe not in the short run, for it can surely sting. But if it does, there must be an open wound somewhere and I’d rather cauterize it with the truth than cover it up with a lie…allowing it to fester into something much more deadly and significantly harder to heal. In that long run, there are no connivances or elaborate scenarios to remember with the truth. It simply “is.”
    Which brings us back to Bill and Hilary. He parsed what “is” meant and she is trying to parse what “misspeak” means. For my part, Noah Webster set it right a long time ago and nothing has changed since. “Is” is the present tense of the verb “to be.”  In a nutshell, therefore, either you are or you aren’t. “Misspeak” is pronouncing or speaking incorrectly. It’s about form, not substance. When the substance is knowingly in error, its a flat-out lie.
    If Hilary doesn’t know and can’t recall that she calmly walked off that plane in Kosovo rather than ” run with her head down to avoid sniper fire”…well, she’s not competent to be (verb intransitive) President of the United States.
    As for the rest of us, let’s just be honest with ourselves…and, oh yes, each other.

REMEMBER to click here to download my FREE e-book “Too Many Secrets.”
    
    

>   It’s not like me to have been “absent” from my blog all week (my last entry was on Monday) but Life kind of got in the way. I think there’s a message or two in the cause of my absence… so here goes.
    I practiced law for 13 years and about 6 years ago my husband, daughter and I moved to New Jersey. I had been licensed in Pennsylvania, where we previously lived, so I couldn’t practice in New Jersey if I had wanted to…and I didn’t.  In fact, for health reasons, I had decided to leave law about a year before we moved.  Since moving to New Jersey, I’ve been on the lookout for a new career.  Problem is that law doesn’t really translate all that well into other professions and it’s been a long, uphill effort. I even entered into two new businesses during that time but they didn’t pan out, either.  My search has never stopped and lately it needed to intensify.
    My husband and I are getting divorced and I must find a way to provide for our daughter and myself going forward.  So, I decided to get a real estate license and go into commercial real estate.  In New Jersey, there is a requisite 75-hour, two week course that ends in an exam. If you pass it, you’re eligible to sit for the State exam that, if passed, gets you your real estate sales license.
    That’s what I’ve been doing for the past two weeks…taking the course. There’s so much to learn in such a short period of time that this week it became overwhelming and I had to bow out of my usual daily blog entry.  I simply had neither time nor energy to write.
    Now, why bore you with this personal saga? Well, because there’s a higher and important message in all of this.
    We think we know the limits of what we can successfully manage and, particularly, what we can emotionally handle.  But Life has a way of intervening at times and giving us the opportunity to stretch our boundaries and surprise even ourselves. Such is my current experience.
    My husband and I are living in the same house during separation and to say “it’s not been easy” is an understatement. So here I am in my 50’s with a history of Fibromyalgia, a stress-related disease, going through a divorce with a less-than-supportive-soon-to-be-ex-husband,  financially challenged, with a teenage daughter, while I attempt to focus on and learn an entirely new field so I can get licensed and build a career.
    What’s my point?
    Well, people who know my situation say they can’t imagine how I am getting through it all. But the point is… I am getting through it all.  Not only am I getting through it, but I’m being given the opportunity to apply the principles I write about such as positive thought, creating your own reality, believing in yourself and your ability to grow beyond externally imposed limitations.
    I can’t say I’m “happy” about what I am going through.  But on some level I actually am joyful to know that Life really doesn’t give you anything you can’t handle. I’m also growing stronger and wiser with each day that I fully embrace the Now of it all and meet these challenges with an eye toward what it is I want to create going forward.
    So the message I would leave you with is that there are no accidents or conspiracies to do us in. There are simply experiences filled with the potential of bringing us ever more present into ourselves and discovering not only Who We Really Are but What We Are Really Capable Of Creating.
    Oh yes. And before I forget…I haven’t been alone. The Source of All That Is has never left my side.
    Now there’s a joy I can hardly describe.

P.S. REMEMBER to click here to download my FREE e-book “Too Many Secrets.”

>As a former practicing lawyer, I have fielded my share of “shark” jokes as well as deeply felt disappointment and disgrace at the sometimes behavior of my professional colleagues.  Such are my feelings yesterday and today regarding now ex-Governor Elliot Spitzer. It isn’t the sexual misconduct. That’s between he and his wife. It isn’t even his violation of the laws against prostitution, although that is the reason he had to resign…and should have.
    What’s most distressing is the message his behavior gives others, particularly the youth, about the need to live in accordance with the law. Whether or not the sociological basis for a law is valid, until such time as society, through either legislation or judicial action, decides to change it… we as citizens are bound to obey it. Nowhere is that obligation more vital than for officers of the Court or public officials whose very careers are predicated upon the upholding and monitoring of that obligation. When such people willfully, and with disregard for the fundamental ethical underpinnings of their positions, violate the law they act as a kind of perverse role model for the least of what we are capable of.
     So much moral and ethical damage occurred during the Clinton Administration when the President of the United States not only abused the influence and power of his position but also knowingly violated the law he was sworn to uphold as he intentionally lied under oath.  There was the highest official of the land sending a message that the law was no more than an inconvenience on the way to satisfaction of personal goals and, what’s more, something to manipulated for personal gain.
     I am saddened by Mr. Spitzer’s choice to violate the law..not so much for him as for the message it sent. However, I am heartened by the public uproar that has led to his resignation. At least the end result (for the time being) is a consequence proportionate to the behavior. This is an important message not to be missed.
     As we live through challenging times where changes are so rapid we hardly have a chance to adapt when the next one arrives…I think the overriding message from all of this is that Elliot Spitzer has now experienced what many others have and many more will.  We are living through a time of heightened transparency when efforts to deceive oneself and others will not stand. There are no more “secrets” whose disclosure would undermine the highest good for all concerned that can, or will, remain concealed. It would behoove each of us in our own lives, not to mention those with a more public persona, to heed this aspect and consequence of conscious evolution.
     Secrets are more easily kept among those who prefer to remain “unconscious” to the limitations, and ramifications, of deceit. While such people still exist, they will go the way of the dinosaur as humankind moves closer and closer to co-creating a world that more authentically mirrors our highest potential. That potential is to live with shadows without living in them.
     Elliot Spitzer got caught in the shadows.
     He has provided us with an important teaching.

P.S. Remember to download my FREE e-book, “TOO MANY SECRETS.”