Archive for the ‘Values’ Category

>    So much has been going on in my life this summer (not all of it intended) that I’ve reached a point of exhaustion. It’s a good time to think about “being” as opposed to “doing.”
    We are so action and accomplishment oriented in our society that we too often drive ourselves to the proverbial “edge” before acknowledging that sometimes it’s better to “just be” than to do anything at all.  I’m reminded of a scene from the Kevin Costner movie “Bull Durham” when, at the end of movie, Costner returns to his love, Maggie (played by Susan Sarandon)and finally express his love for her. Maggie goes into a stream of consciousness monologue about how she can change and what the relationship means to her when Costner interrupts and says, “That’s all fine. And we’ll get to all of it. But right now, I just want to be.” The next scene, and the last one in the movie, is a no-dialog shot of the two of them joyously, freestyle dancing in her living room.
    That’s what we don’t give ourselves enough of.
    Not so much silence and freestyle dancing as permission to just be.
    Just being is about truly feeling our inherent self-worth whether or not we make money or win a competition or excel in school or have a mate. It’s about honoring the temple that houses our Soul and slowing down enough to see and hear and smell the beauty in everything around us no matter where we are.
    In his book, Man’s Search For Meaning, Ph.D. and Holocaust survivor Viktor Frankl writes that when served dirty water with a floating fish head in it as the only meal of the day in the Concentration Camp, he was able “to see beauty in the floating fish head.”  Surely his circumstances had so brought him to the present moment and the value of not only the moment but everything around him that he learned this invaluable lesson. Through his writing, he has tried to impart that lesson to us.
    I oftentimes refer to Frankl’s quote when speaking to audiences or coaching one-on-one. But today I think I need to live it. 
    I am very tired (as I started out saying in this entry) and have many things that need my attention. I could keep busy the rest of the day just tending to a fraction of them.
    Instead, I think I’ll close now, go pick up the book I’m reading, and lay down on the couch. Maybe I’ll even fall asleep.
    Regardless, I’m going to love and value myself even though I’m not going to achieve anything more than resting…honoring the temple that houses my Soul.

>    It’s the 2007 Hurricane Season and the first official hurricane is wreaking havoc on the Caribbean islands in it’s path and is, as yet, headed for the Yucatan Peninsula with winds of 155 miles per hour.  Inhabitants of those countries are being warned to find shelter in special centers set up to withstand the onslaught of extreme weather conditions.
    Once again, there is much to learn from Nature.
    While we are routinely challenged by the mundane stressors of daily life, occasionally we find ourselves challenged by extraordinarily difficult circumstances. It may be illness, death of a friend or loved one, financial reversals, separation, divorce, an accident, or a myriad of other possibilities. Such experiences impact our emotional and mental worlds as surely as these hurricanes impact our physical world.
    Which is why it’s so important to have located, in advance, your “inner center.”
    An inner center is that place within you where you have defined and hold your core values and beliefs. Then, when external events become a drain or deplete your energies, you can gain nourishment and sustenance from within.
    In our society, we are encouraged to find a career, a religion, a mate and financial security.  And while each of these can provide a certain amount of comfort and value during difficult times, none of them can provide the necessary direction in your life to help you become who you really are or can be. That direction is internally generated.
    Back to Nature… where I always go for the big answers.    
    An orchid doesn’t turn to a daisy or a nearby oak tree and ask,”What should I look like? How should I grow?”  To the contrary, it has an internal “wisdom” that guides it from seed to bud to bloom.
    We humans are no different. Each of us has the capability, the inherent wisdom, to grow to become fully who we are as unique creations. However, when we turn to others and take on their values and beliefs instead of cultivating our own, we not only deny our individuality, we set up false hope that somehow others know better than we do what is right for us…what will “save” us.
    Certainty about what you believe and value based upon your own experience, not the experience of others, is how you cultivate and maintain an internal center. Then, when the winds of life come blowing at gale force, it’s easy to go within and deeply anchor yourself to your own foundation.
    It’s the only real shelter from the storm.
   

>    The DOW Jones Industrial Average has been going up and down like a  roller coaster the past few weeks as news of the sub-prime mortgage market continues to be grim. It seems there’s daily “Breaking News” about sudden large losses followed by just as sudden rebounds.
    What’s going on, you wonder? Is this all a foreboding of things worse yet to come? Should you be withdrawing your finances from whatever investment vehicles you now have them in and converting to cash and gold, well hidden and quickly accessible in case of a collapse in the economic markets?
    Instead of pondering that intense question (bound to give you a migraine) I’ll give you one word to ponder: Hologram. That’s how I refer to all of the “news” we’re fed every day. It’s a giant web of images and, depending on where you’re standing (or how your consciousness is operating), it’s quite the different view.
    I remember in 2001, shortly after my father passed away, I had the responsibility of re-investing certain assets on behalf of my mother who survived him. After several discussions with well-informed financial analysts, I made my decision to invest some of the assets in relatively stable mutual funds. Then the bottom of the market fell out. I watched as the investment lost almost 50% of it’s worth overnight.
    We were not alone. Everyone took the hit. However, while some forcasted yet more dire future consequences and downturns, I just decided that it was a “long-term approach and, therefore, couldn’t be meaningfully evaluated in the short-term.
    This is not a bad analogy for all of Life…which is why I call the news we’re overwhelmed with a hologram.
    If you buy into all the negativity that’s being put out there every minute of every day then you’re going to see one kind of picture. But, if you’re willing to think for yourself and focus your mind and your energies on more positive aspects of existence, then you’re going to see quite another.
    Further, if you’re all about instant gratification, then what’s happening in the moment is all that really matters. Combining a negative view with instant gratification is a recipe for depression and hopelessness. To the contrary, combining a positive view with the patience to allow the longer-term picture to emerge is a recipe for joy and faith.
    Hhmmm…over here depression and hopelessness…over there joy and faith. Now what should I do?
    Well, it’s a no-brainer for me.  How about you?
    Oh, and that 2001 investment? It’s all back and even greater than itS orignal value.
    Maybe there is something to optimism and patience afterall.

>    It isn’t often that I revisit a news story I previously commented on but this whole Mattel/Fischer-Price toy recall continues to be fraught with issues we really need to address. 
    Two days ago, in my blog entry “Toys for Tots” I quoted the CEO of Mattel, Bob Eckert, as stating “Nothing is more important that the safety of our children.” In that piece, I pondered what the world would be like if that statement were universally true.
    Such was the point of my entry, although I did note in closing the irony that all of these toxic and dangerous toys are being outsourced at Mattel’s discretion to China, a country that has no child labor laws.
    On second thought, however, that point needs more than a passing glance. It deserves it’s own entry and this is it.
    If Mattel really cared about children, and not just the financial bottom line, the obvious would occur. They would not outsource to a country that 1)uses child labor and 2) so disregards and devalues female children that their orphanages (and their streets) are filled with female infants, toddlers and homeless young girls that nobody wanted.
    That’s China’s problem. Mattel’s problem is that they are hypocrites. Our problem is that we aren’t doing anything about it. What can we do, you say?
    “Don’t buy Fischer-Price or Mattel toys” comes the reply.   
    Now I know that would put added pressure on you from your child based upon their ongoing manipulation by multi-media advertisements that promote the latest and greatest toy that he or she simply has to have. And I know it makes your life a little more challenging because then you have to find alternative toys with which to engage your child.
    But here’s the thing.
    If you know that the manufacturer is deliberately and willfully choosing to do business in and with a country that devalues human rights and human life, and if you deliberately and willfully continue to purchase those toys and thereby support such policies and behavior, then you become the problem… because you see a better way and consciously choose not to choose it.
    I don’t give advice in a vacuum.
    We have a 14-year-old daughter who I often refer to in my blogs. While she’s beyond the Mattel/Fischer-Price age for the most part, we are still daily challenged to limit, or sometimes refuse, purchases and pursuits that are “in” because not to do so would violate particular beliefs or strong opinions that we espouse. My husband and I hope that in the big picture, seeing us hold fast to our principles will serve her far better than ownership of some trendy and disposable item. So we live the difficulties of choice… but we also live the rewards.
    Did I mention our daughter is from China?
    We adopted her when she was 2 years old. She survived those first two years no thanks to the non-existence of her birth country’s human rights policy…or Mattel’s business practices, for that matter.
    Perhaps that’s why this story seems to stick with me a little longer than most.
   

>    Mattel, parent company of Fischer-Price, has stated through it’s Chairman, Bob Eckert that “Nothing is more important than the safety of our children.”
    Imagine if that were true. What would our world be like?

1.  No guns.

2.  No violent video games.

3   No reality TV.

4.  No behavioral altering additives to food and candy.

5.  No seductive, sexually suggestive advertising aimed at teenagers.

6.  No child abuse.

7.  No sub-standard education.

8.  Mandatory life sentences for 1st time child sex offenders.

9.  No weapons manufactured as “toys.”

10. No cigarettes.

11. No culturally encouraged dating by kids under the age of sixteen.

12. No dumping of pre-school-age children in daycare with strangers.

13. No over-medicating of children for behavioral issues.

14. Parents spending time with children instead of buying them off with “things” and using unsupervised TV as a substitute babysitter.

15. No fast food restaurants.

16. No child obesity.

17. No anorexia/bulimia epidemic.

18. The “de-idolization” of youth as a cultural aspiration.

19. The end to exploitative child labor.

20  The end of trafficking in child prostitution.

    So, since “nothing is more important than the safety of our children,” for now let’s just get the lethal lead out of the paint and recall the toys with deadly parts that we’ve turned our attention from in order to manufacture them cheaper in China (using child labor).
    Surely the other 19 issues can wait. 
    I wonder.
    How long can we afford to let the children wait?
   

>    I was amused to read yesterday that Karl Rove, political adviser to the President, was volunteering to leave the position and was doing so “to spend more time with his family.”
    My amusement was around how condescending and transparent the rationale was. Did he really think that after at least 8 years of being a “political right hand” and strategist to the President of the United States we’d believe he’s concerned about time with his family…or likely more concerned about getting out now that his candidate/President is about as unpopular and ineffective as it gets?
    But let’s take a moment and explore the reason given, because generally speaking, it’s a really important point to ponder.
    How many of you give not only serious consideration to the time necessary to cultivate a healthy family, but also actually devote that amount of time to the goal? If you’re short on either point, you’re not alone.
    We tend to prioritize all the wrong things in our 21st century lives. We focus on work (to keep up financially), we focus on stressing out the children to achieve academically and in extracurricular activities (to give them a leg-up towards college admission), we focus on “looking good” whether or not we are “feeling good” (to be part of the youth culture we revere) and we pretty much banish the elderly to someone else’s care unless they’re financially able to provide for themselves (so that we can have more time to focus on the first three things I just listed).
    So, unlike Karl Rove, we need to spend more time with our families as our first priority, not as an after thought.
    It’s no wonder so many of us feel stressed and have difficulty with our personal relationships…with spouses and children. Just as you cannot successfully cultivate a delicate flower without proper proportions of light and water, so too you cannot hope to cultivate delicate relationships without giving them the necessary time and energy they need to grow to become healthy and longlasting.
    The Universe is always sending us messages to support us in our highest good. I think Karl Rove just provided a really important one. It doesn’t matter whether the reason he gave is true for him or not.     
    What matters is what you do with it.

>    Recently I was in New York City taping a segment of a TV special created by Gary Null, long time health advocate for alternative therapies and frequent “speaker of truth to power.”  I had never met Gary before and although we spoke of many things during the two days of taping, he seemed particularly taken with the subject of bringing ourselves and our world into “balance” and “harmony.”   
    Gary’s right. We are out of balance. Our lives are spent working at a frantic pace just to keep up financially and technologically. Our consumption of natural resources is with an almost total disregard for their replenishment or eventual depletion. Historically, we live in a seemingly endless cycle of violence in one part of the world or another. Our bodies are subject to more diverse diseases than ever, and yet the inherent capacity to use our minds in innovative ways in order to change our patterns gets little of our time and focus.
    Nature has a built-in balance that, absent the intrusion of humankind, allows it to maintain and self-correct. That built-in balance can be seen in the equal participation by both genders among virtually all species of life. Except us.
    And I think therein lies the answer to why we are out of balance.   For thousands years, according to written histories and religious teachings, we humans have been suppressing and silencing the feminine voice and it’s many contributions. Deliberately denied positions of importance and power, the absence of the feminine voice and it’s inherent gifts has meant the absence of nurturing, compassion and intuition from our world. We have deprived ourselves of vital energy that is intended to work in unison, in harmony, with that which is male. The equal participation of both genders is what harmony would look like and balance would be the outcome.
    I am not a feminist or a liberal or any other label you might like to place upon me for my thoughts around all of this. Labels just make it easy for someone in disagreement to manage their own fear of difference and dismiss another’s point of view.
    What I am is a student of Nature in the tradition of Pierre Teilhard de Chardin, the Christian mystic, biologist, paleontologist and philosopher.  For me, all of the really important answers to life can be found in Nature if we are patient enough, humble enough and wise enough to be open to seeing them.
    Nature is inclusive, not exclusive. Nature makes room for female and male alike. Nature is self-organizing.
    I am not saying that all of our problems and challenges will be solved overnight by restoring the Feminine to it’s rightful place in societal evolution. What I am saying is that unless we do, we are destined to remain both out of balance and out of harmony…both within ourselves and among society at large.
    Oh yes, by the way. I mentioned the philosopher Teilhard de Chardin. Did you know the word “philosopher” was coined by the Greek mathematician Pythagoras meaning “Lover of Sophia”…the Goddess of Wisdom who was seen as the personification and embodiment of enlightenment and inspiration.
    Nobody taught me that in math class.

>My husband and I went on a hike and picnic to Palmyra Cove Nature Park in New Jersey. By the brochure’s description, it’s “a 350 acre island of green in a densely populated area on the Delaware River just south of the Pennsylvania/New Jersey line. It’s comprised of “woodlands, wetlands, tidal cove, and wild river shoreline, and serves as an important feeding site for migratory birds.” That’s the official description.

For us, and so many others, it’s a little piece of heaven and respite from urban life in an all too commercialized world. And it’s under attack.

The Army Corps of Engineers (a/k/a the Federal government) along with the New Jersey State government want to take 70 additional acres of this natural habitat (they already have 25)and use it to dump yet more dredge materials from the Delaware River in support of maintaining the commerce route between Philadelphia and Trenton.

Ahhhh…in the name of progress. Or, is it in the name of money?

When we lived in Pennsylvania it was to take 200 year old farm land to build a WalMart. Now it’s to maintain commerce. There’s always an economic reason. My mother lives in southern Florida and it’s a “wasteland” of strip malls and furniture stores and condominium complexes to the demise of the Everglades.

I don’t know why we humans think we are disconnected from the natural environment. Or that we can do with it as we please without a reverberating impact. Perhaps it’s because we think we are disconnected from each other and it all starts there.

Just as “there is only One of Us”…a multitude of “branches” all emanating from one “trunk”…so there is only One of Us when it comes to the Earth. All living things are interconnected and interdependent. To ignore this reality is to go the path of the Everglades.

This is not news.  For decades environmentalists and all people who “get” our connection to one another and the planet have been raising awareness about the dangers of humankind’s insatiable taking without giving back. And so often the question is “What can one individual do against the powers that be?” My answer is that each of us has a voice and a choice. 

Today I choose to use my voice in this blog to state my opposition to the taking of land from Palmyra Cove for dredge material. I will choose to contact the head of the Delaware Riverkeeper Network to see what further help I can provide. I will choose to contact my state representatives as well as my Congressman and Senators via phone and let them know my opposition. And, finally, I will talk with everyone I can about the matter and try and raise awareness and other voices.

Barry Manilow has a great song titled “One Voice.” It’s all about the power of what one voice can do. The song starts out with just his voice solo, and by the end it’s raised to a powerful crescendo of voices that makes you want to just get up and do something…anything. You just want to move.

That’s the power of one, committed, voice. So remember, the next time you wonder what you can do about something that you feel is important, use your voice and your choice.

When you do, I’m sure you’ll feel as good as I do right now.

>  Three college age kids were “executed” yesterday at a school in Newark, New Jersey and one more seriously injured. So far, it was for no apparent reason. Newark is a city plagued by murder, 60 so far this year. While much could be written about gun control or stricter sentencing, I prefer to write about the responsibilities of being a parent.
   One of the murdered young men (there were two males and one female killed) was Dashon Harvey whose father James has been quoted as saying about the parents of the killers, “If you raised your kids better, this would not happen.”  While that’s no guarantee, James Harvey is on a very important point. 
   I practiced family law for 13 years and had a lot of empathy and compassion for parents going through divorce. I thought I “got it” when it came to raising children. But I can tell you in no uncertain terms that you don’t “get it” until you “do it.”  
   Perhaps it’s because my husband and I are older than the parents of our daughter’s friends, or perhaps it’s just because our values are different. Our daughter watches no more that 2 hours of television a week, and we know what it is she is watching. We never used the TV as  a babysitter in order not to be bothered by her. She has limited access to the internet. She has been encouraged to read since she was able to read. We have one day a week when we turn off all the technology and make our own fun with boardgames, cards or being out in nature. All of this is in direct contrast to how her friends are being raised. 
   This is not to judge the other parents’ choices. But I will tell you this. Her friends love us and it makes her crazy because all teenagers think their parents are “not cool” and she can’t understand why they like us so much.
   I have a theory. 
   They like us because they know we care. They like us because we are involved. They like us because we are around. They like us because when we talk with them they know we’re really listening. They like us because we set boundaries. They like us because they know our daughter is our first priority.  And they miss that. 
   We live in an affluent, educated, suburban, New Jersey community and there’s more than enough abdication of parental responsibility to go around here. No, we don’t have execution style murders of children…but we do have ongoing drug, alcohol and suicide problems.
   Now imagine Newark, where the inner city is teeming with the lure of drug dealers and poor quality education and single parents and absent parents and hopeless futures. Who’s caring about those children? How much more neglect are they experiencing that my suburban neighbor’s kids? The answer is self-evident.
   Kids need the presence of loving, involved adults to steer them in the right direction. No, it’s not a guarantee that everything will turn out fine. Things can and will, occasionally, still go awry. But without such an environment it’s a guarantee that things will go as wrong as they just did in Newark.
   So Mr. Harvey, who grieves the loss of his son, is right. 
   And so was Linda Marcoccia….a pretty smart friend of mine and family therapist who said to me 20 years ago, “A society that abandons it’s children writes it’s own obituary and fails to survive.”
   I am not a pessimist. I believe in the human spirit and in turning things around. But we will not get this one right until we step up and take responsibility for the children and care about what is happening to them…because what is happening to them is the future. 
   And the future is now.

>    The collapse of the bridge in Minneapolis is a tragedy. Of that there can be no doubt. But it’s been 3 days now that every development of this event and it’s aftermath remains the lead news story.  It’s not that I am a callous person. I certainly have compassion and offer prayer for those killed and injured, as well as for those who loved them.   
    My frustration stems from the fact that 1) the media imposes priorities into our lives, welcome or not, that actually interfere with our individual life paths and 2) where are the equally remarkable stories that have occurred in the past 72 hours that uplift the human spirit and inspire us to greater achievement?
    I recall how, after 9/11, I felt added and overwhelming stress building in myself and others…not just from the actual event, but from the never-ending replay of the visual image of the event as it occurred.
    We humans are “wired” in such a way as to be biologically and physiologically able to chemically and mechanically respond to conditions of stress. Simply put, it’s commonly referred to as the “fight or flight” response. A chemical reaction to threat or stress triggers extraordinary internal occurrences that help us manage what is supposed to be a finite event.  While cortisol and other potential toxins are released into our blood stream and muscles during such times, these toxins are short-lived and manageable in their negative impact.
    However, when the event is artificially sustained over an indefinite period of time, the body has no way of distinguishing the authentic occurrence from the artificial repetition. As a result, the chemical reactions continue to occur and the toxins continue to be released long after they serve any beneficial purpose and, in fact, cause irreversible damage.
    This is one of the real dangers inherent in our misuse of the technological advances we have made in the past 30 years.  We are literally killing ourselves by watching the news…because all the news feeds us is frustration, terror, and fear.
    So to my next point.  What if we had at least equal time in news  reporting for stories of valor and creativity and invention and problem solving that fostered hopefulness and optimism?  Our bodies are also wired to respond chemically to positive experiences as well…emitting seratonin and endorphins that support health rather than foster dis-ease. Wouldn’t that be a better use of our knowledge and technology? And think of the residual benefits.
    Healthier, happier, less stressed, less frightened people will likely need a lot less healthcare (really, we should call it sickcare). And all these healthier, happier people are probably going to be less aggressive, hence, a lot more peace. And a more peaceful world would be one that could focus more on those things that uplift and advance the planet and it’s inhabitants rather than worrying about their inevitable destruction.
    It’s seems to me the latter approach is a lot more “bang for the buck”…and I am only hypothesizing equal time for positive news. Imagine if that’s all we got!
    As for those who say my scenario and it’s proposed residual effects are grandiose, or even foolish, let me remind you that when a butterfly flaps it’s wings in New York, air current patterns are inevitably effected in Japan. That’s how it works. We’re all connected and what we think, say, do, read and look at, matters.
    I could close now and go check the headline on CNN.
    But I think I’ll go see if I can be of help to someone, instead.